When envy strikes, try these six things for better mental health

I reassured her that envy isn’t a character flaw. Like all emotions, it’s something to notice and validate.

But in extreme cases, this emotion can turn malicious, causing us to bad-mouth the envied person or devalue their success. Perceiving another person as being better off can also fuel this spite and halt empathy, according to one study. And if you’ve ever felt this way, you probably know that envy doesn’t discriminate. It can make us harbor ill feelings even toward people we love and care about.

However, envy doesn’t need to hinder us or our relationships. With a little self-reflection, we can understand and accept our envy, and reduce it by practicing joy-sharing. Here are some ways to get started.

When you’re hit with a wave of envy, acknowledge it. Merely saying, “I feel envious,” can ease the sting. One study found that labeling our emotions can calm down the limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for regulating our emotions.

And when we tend to our negative emotions, we are more likely to feel positive ones such as happiness and empathy.

Envying another person’s career, money or happiness can make us feel immature and ashamed. And when this discomfort brews, it’s easy to mistake envy for an enemy. But just because an emotion feels terrible doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad.

Envy is a valuable messenger, and one way to decode its meaning is to answer this question: “What’s at the root of my envy?”

The answer often will reveal your authentic desires. For example, envying a colleague’s raise or a friend’s stellar social circle probably indicates that you want something similar. If that’s the case, ask yourself: “What’s my goal, and what actions can I take to accomplish this?”

While envy can shake up our self-confidence, identifying ways to meet our goals can help us feel empowered.

It’s harder to let envy fester when we show affection. For example, one study found that making eye contact when someone shares good news can generate empathy, helping us applaud their success.

The next time you envy a friend, colleague or partner, try making eye contact or offer your loved one a congratulatory hug. Research shows that physical touch can increase levels of oxytocin. Known as the love drug, this hormone produces positive feelings, which promote bonding.

Envy can draw our attention to everything that’s lacking in our lives. But this mind set can make us feel small, scared and hopeless. Gratitude can inhibit these uncomfortable feelings.

Focus on the joyful things you have received recently. Start by trying to identify three things. Perhaps it was a compliment from a friend or help from a neighbor. Or it could be a dinner invitation or a chance to embark on a new opportunity.

As you practice this exercise, pay close attention to how it makes you feel. Research shows that gratitude can boost our mood, tighten social relationships and spark joy.

Feeling joy when good fortune befalls someone else is called “sympathetic joy.” It’s the happiness we feel when a friend crushes a job interview or a loved one accomplishes a goal.

Sympathetic joy motivates us to shower the winner with praise. Not only does this make the other person feel good, but it benefits us as well. Positive emotions are contagious, according to research.

In my psychotherapy practice, I find that many people are quick to help others, but shy away from asking for support. Often, they are afraid of being needy or worried about coming across as a burden — even to a partner or close friend.

Considering another person’s feelings is thoughtful and empathic. However, when we struggle to accept kindness, we inadvertently cut ourselves off from joy-filled experiences such as being appreciated or cared for.

Kindness benefits both parties. Research shows that it makes the giver feel good, too. In addition, kindness fosters generosity and can make us more resilient to stress.

The next time you envy another person’s victory because you want the same thing, ask them for guidance. There’s a good chance they will be delighted to help. For example, if your work friend landed a dream job that you also wanted, ask for career advice.

When we let others help us, we realize that winning is rarely a zero-sum game. This insight can help us set aside social comparisons. And when this happens, envy doesn’t roar so loudly, making more room for joy.

Juli Fraga, PsyD, is a psychologist with a private practice in San Francisco.

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